Note: Apologies frm de Lady for the " A" words.
===============================================*

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best.

Dannyyyyyyyyyyyy! *hugsssssssssss tite*....moi tyankQ u frm the bottm and top of my heart and also the other bottom.(as u knw:p) :P:P:P:P:P for passing meh great jokes!!! tehehe!

your joke chai wah!wah! pheri u chai dunn write testo hai eggjam ma?!!hehehe :D
Damn ajkal we seem to be on a posting spree!!...asti ko more than 100 days ko mero Sajha Sanyas aile niskaidai cha jasto cha! DarN.....what the heck!..

opps I gotta go! dada ko phone..dyam...1:30 ma get ready re to go to that event...did i tell you?...moi come back and tell hai?..:p Meeru see ya laters..more jokes coming up for meeru pachi hai?...muuaaahahhh *~

Special bye joke to MEERUUUUUUUUUUU ! [ yikesssss!!! blush!]
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. "We
even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,! "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get the jar open!"

Lady Croft, those are nice jokes there. Thanks for posting girl.

One Train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks suddenly deviated
from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the
tracks. The passengers were horrified . On the next railway station the
driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not
moving from there even after lots of honks etc. The Authorities questioned :
Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives
of so many passengers in danger!? You should have run over that person.
Sardarji said: Exactly, that is what i also decided ,but this idiot started
running towards the field when the train came very close!

We take you now to the Oval Office, where National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice is talking to the President...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk
_________________

Stupid people have stupid jokes.

Get life. Work on the 55th floor. Drive a Porsche.

Miss you, Sonika_NY

Prem Charo,
Hawaii.

A business man is traveling on a plane and has to go to the bathroom really, really badly; but all the men's rooms are in use. The flight attendent tells him to use the woman's bathroom but not to touch any of the buttons. He goes in, sits on the toilet, and curiously looks at the buttons (you know how men are--they just don't listen).

The buttons are marked WW, WA, PP, and ATR. He presses the WW button and a blast of Warm Water hits his butt.

The man thinks, "That was nice!" and presses WA. Now Warm Air dries his butt. "Oh, that felt evan better!"

He then presses the PP button, and a Powder Puff puffs on his butt. The man thinks, "WW, WA, and PP have all been great, so ATR must be even better!" and he presses the button...

The next thing he knows, he's in a hospital, and the nurse says, "ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Removal, genius. Your penis is over there on the pillow."

PALPALI ! meh thinks me really mypoic now as Sitz dd has said ! *feels a wee bit ashamed for not answering earlier*
Hajur lai dherai dherai dhanyabad for the phrases.
And the friend in question is none other , but moi myself and I. *Grins* It would be great if u will post some more phrases , when you have time. :):)

SITARA dd thank you for the usefula information abt the book. Will surely read it , if I find it. :):)

DANCING_QUEEN, me glad it made u smile. :)
SWATI, thanks for adding.
=================================================*~~~*
This one dedicated to Palpali_gaule! :p

Reason for dinosaurs got extinct!

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway. :P:P:P

Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died first, he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' Then the other person says,'tell me.'
So he says,'The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that you're pitching tomorrow!"
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Hell of a Game

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks,'What took you so long?' He replies,'Oh, honey, it was a horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!' She says,'Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!' The husband replies, 'It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...'
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Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: Jesus is watching you!'

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you' - said the voice.
The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.
'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' he asked.
'Yes' said the parrot.
The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, 'What's your name?'
'Clarence' answered the bird. 'That's a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burgler. 'What idiot named you Clarence?'

The parrot's answer: 'The same idiot who named the BULLDOG, Jesus.'
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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Are you a cowboy?

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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Jewish Samurai

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

damn lady..kasto joke nikaleko..sas fere patak arko joke niskincha ki k ho!

These are funny too.

Top 20 Chat Up Lines

1. As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!
2. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
3. Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.
4. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
5. Do you have any Irish in you? (if noý) Would you like some? (if yesý) Want some more?
6. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
7. Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
8. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch?
9. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
10. Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
11. I'm a frog but if u kiss me I'll turn into a prince
12. Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
13. Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
14. For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
15. Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
16. Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She says no. Then wink.
17. Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
18. Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
19. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, lets talk"
20. Nice dress, it'd look good on my bedroom floor

NICE...I LIKE 8, 9, 12,14

12, 16, and 17 are my favorites.

lady, you rock! good fun! baseball heaven, the jewish samurai....terrific! thank you. wow- based on your joke, there is a HUGE lesbian population!

although, since you datnu-ed me, telling me about your so-called "magar friend," i believe our language class is finished. you know, bhayo. or as they say in magar, chaana.

ladyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more jokes hai, u brighten my day. Red hiyaaaa.
Why is it that I tend to put Lady and Red together ;)

Meeruuuu , I am surely NOT the Lady in Red. ;)
I think red and gold look realllllyyyyyyyy fab tho! What say, eh? :P:P

Palpali, glad it made u smile. :)
And yeah I Knw I datnu-ed you, but it was a white thingy ni. :(:(:(:(:(
Chaana garna na pai.
:(:(:(:(: [ Pleeech forgive me----> Bryan Adams] :(:(:(:(:(


Dancing_Queen, ^^^ were hilarious!! :D:D

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.
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The end is near!

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says ?Bridge Out'
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Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.

One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.
"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story.

See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one
amongst them."
The Chief thinks for a moment. "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, I
say nothing."

Red, tero chai sas fere patak smell huncha! EEEWWWWWWWWW...foriiii!!