Guys,

I really need your help.

All I want to do is to go to Nepal and do some volunteer work. If anyone can help make some arrangements, I would feel grateful. I just want to serve my country.

I want to get your advice about the different ways I can do this.

From the outside when people look at my situation, my parents are very wealthy. My parents have a lot of property around Kathmandu. So people assume that I must feel like a prince. But I feel like a beggar. My parents will not do anything to help me to serve Nepal.

My parents take every opportunity to emotionally blackmail me. They are satisfied when I feel guilty in one way or another. Then they feel like they have done their job. When they blame other people and make me feel guilty, they feel satisfied.

I want to go to Nepal and do something to serve Nepal. But when I tell my parents that I want to do that, they don't help me at all. My parents threw me in America and locked the keys. And now when I tell my father that I want to come and do some work in Nepal, all my father says is, "What is wrong with your job in America? You have a good job there."

It really hurts me a lot. For the last 20 years my parents have never understood my need to come to Nepal.

I told my father, "If when you are still living, you cannot help me to come to Nepal, what, am I supposed to come to Nepal when you are dead?"

My father doesn't understand any of this. This makes me feel very angry.

My parents brought me to America when I was a young teenager.

All my mother does is politics. She just tries to emotionally black mail me any chance she gets.

My parents don't do anything to maintain a relationship with me. And they simply blame all of their relatives because my parents and I don't have a relationship. They blame everyone else for their problems and don't take responsibility for anything.

All I want to do is to go to Nepal and do some volunteer work. If anyone can help make some arrangements, I would feel grateful. I just want to serve my country.

@Khairey,
You are quite knowledgeable and mature, so I am looking forward to receiving your wisdom.

Do your parents engage in an active campaign to end your relationship with all of your relatives? Are your parents envious of your relationship with your relatives to the point that they will stop and no end to end your relationship with them and friends of the family?

Are your relatives afraid to have a relationship with you...just because they are afraid of the wrath of your parents? My parents have the message clear to any one who has a relationship and gives moral support or affction to their children, that if anyone were to do this, they go on my parent's 'death list.' And then my parents start a negative campaign against these people. They bad mouth these people where ever they go saying anything and everything about them.

So most people don't need this kind of negativity in their life. And to just avoid this kind of negativity, they avoid having a relationship with us, the children of our parents.

If you want to understand how my parents do it, you have to watch this movie: American History X.

There is one particular scene where Edward Norton's mother has a crush on this guy that she invites to dinner. And Edward Norton basically humiliates this guy just so he will not have a relationship with his mother. This is what my parents do to anyone I have a close relationship with. My parents make it their personal agenda to humiliate and put this person down untill they make it very expensive for this person to have a relationship with me. What is the solution to this kind of behavior? Do all Nepali parents act like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFbUIei5s1Q&feature=related

Nepcha, is this the movie you are talking about?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Js2Ef5Ojg

 you got it.

naya jivan, if you are looking towards me for a solution/suggestion, then I am not a guy who could show you right or easy path. All I was doing here is spilling everything about how I feel when I read your post. 
All I could say is, this is something you face and solve yourself. Understanding people or society is not an easy task. Thats why we have sociology, anthropology,psychology where people have written several books since thousands of years trying to understand other people, society and in most cases trying to understand themselves. But, it seems like you are looking for steps or procedure to know how to solve the social issues, in this case understanding your parents or selling your values to your parents.You think they are wrong because you have been raised on different values than your parents were and some to that you have a generation gap with your parents. If people had solution to all the hurdles they are having in their life, then you would not have seen this situation now. Someone could have already done what you had dreamt for and you could have been already living in an ideal society.

I do not have any wisdom to share. Sometime I am just like you shouting here in sajha for small problems, whining about different things,  and sometimes like others with full of wisdom and wise suggestions like I am the only enlightment for everyone else. No one is different here. Everyone share same values. It is just some people are less insane than others and create less troubles.

>> Do your parents engage in an active campaign to end your relationship with all of your relatives? Are your parents envious of your relationship with your relatives to the point that they will stop and no end to end your relationship with them and friends of the family?


So if I said Yes or No, or if there are several people says Yes or No to your answer, then does that make you any comfortable? If so, then you are just looking for a place where everyone is standing, where you want to feel safe and following what everyone is doing instead of taking your own sane decision. And like everyone in the world, you have to face problems too. There is no easy way out.

 Nayajivan. It is a great thread at least to reas. If you are truly think that you are really devoted to volunteer in Nepal, then your parents shouldnt be a problem. one thing is very clear that if you cant convince your parents, there are lots of hurdles you gonna face. They are your parents, never blame them, they do what they think is good for you. At last they will always leave you off the hook if you rally want to do something.Volunteering is not easy as it sounds if you really want to make difference, not just to show, u know what i mean. So you have to start by convincing your parents, if you can't, i dont think you will be satisfied later on, so start from there it is the toughest as well as easiest test for u. By the way i have have same thing in my mind i always dream of doing something and returning back home. Unfortunately not done anything yet. At least, i think as u think, all the time. Being from a rich family is another advantage for u , that might be the difference between u and me. If i say i will come back my parents will always welcome me, but i am stuck for my never fulfilling greed, though i am still a student. I am preety sure i will be back but not sure when. Let us know if you really made  your decision and dream come true. We might join u later. Good luck!

 just grab your passport, credit cards and saved up money and go man.. looks like the blaming syndrome runs in the entrire family, if you're right.. quit blaming your parents and just go.. they can't stop you , Nepal is a free country . go to some remote place and teace or rent an apt is kathmandu and work , it's up to you.. 
like a chinese guy would say, " be a man"

You know, I take all of your advice positively. I know you are all coming from a good space.

I am not writing in sajha to argue with anyone. I am also looking for solutions for Nepal like all of you. I am just trying to figure out how to best move forward in my personal circumstance. For the longest time I thought that the hurdle to me being able to serve Nepal was my desire and ability to do so. I just assumed that my parent's resources would be there for me if and when I want to come to Nepal. I don't even want to use their resources for my enjoyment. I want to use it to serve Nepal. And somehow it seems I just took it for granted that if I told my parents, "Buwa, Aama, I am coming to Nepal to serve Nepal and serve you all," that my parents would welcome me with open arms and do all they could to facilitate my service to Nepal.

So I am a little shocked that this was not their response. But you are right. Just because they did not respond in this way does not mean that I cannot find other resources and ways and means to be able to serve my country. Where there is a will there is a way.

And that is why I am in sajha. I am simply doing a "literature review" of information and resources and opportunities that you all may know so that I understand how best to take the next step. I thought my parents would provide these things to me. But I am becoming clearer that I cannot depend on them. So that is why I came to sajha, to receive advice and guidance from you all about the different options for someone like me to move forward.

So I thank all of you who have stepped up and given me positive advice. Thank you. Today I am asking these questions. And tomorrow when someone else in a similar situation as mine comes here asking these questions, you can refer them to this thread.

Every once in a while there is a thread about going back to Nepal. I wonder if someone would want to go back if all his family members were in the US. Any ideas?

It's indeed surprising that your parents told you not to come to Nepal at all. It seems like you might have brought it up out of the blue. Is that correct?
Some reasons your parents most likely hate the idea of you coming back:
1) The  image that his portrays to other people. You could seem like a failure in other ppl's eyes which shames them.
2) their fear that you will bum off and just spend their money
3) They like the current situation where they can show off their "success" and they don't want to change this perception, it's kind of related to reason 1.

It seems like it's a combination of 1 and 3 reading your previous statements about your parents.

Also since your parents are quite political, you might have to learn their language. Be a little diplomatic when you talk. If you meet opposition, don't get angry or frustrated but try to salvage the situation by being more diplomatic. Providing an example will take a long time and I am a bit tired because of all the iceskating yesterday. Besides you seem like an intelligent enough guy to be able to imagine what I mean by "diplomatic".

It looks like your parents are a bit vicious, power-hungry, ego-driven though. If you do go back to Nepal without their consent, I would not be surprised if they completely disowned you and worse, tried to attack you. I am thinking of the worst case scenario. This is not a good situation to be in at all. It looks like the only way is to make amends and play your hand like you'd play poker, With a poker face.

Try to let your parents ease into it and perhaps make them see how they would benefit from it. I think, since they only look out for their own benefits only, they might see you coming into Nepal as a "loss" venture only. they are human after all so you should be able to convince them of how it benefits them. Lie if you want (they don't seem to deserve the truth anyway).

P.S. "Into the wild" is a shit movie. Don't bother watching it. Apologies to whoever posted it, it's only a movie and it's my opinion about it. It doesn't speak of you as a person so don't bother defending it.

Guitar Daku,

At this point I think it is mostly #3.

I really like what you are saying. You are saying that somehow I need to sell my idea of going to Nepal in such a way as to communicate that it would serve my parents interest. That it would help them in some way.

See this is what I am having a hard time with. My father's only interest is in earning money and building prestige with his financial wealth. Since I am not going to Nepal to earn money, his prestige does not become bigger by me going to Nepal. His prestige is increased in being able to show off that his son is in some big firm earning mucho dollars in the United States.

As far as my mother goes, the only thing she lives for is to put her enemies in family politics down. She is a bitter and negative woman whose whole pitiful life is consumed in putting her perceived enemies in family politics down. I feel sorry for her. But she has just become increasingly bitter and she is far from reasoning. She sees herself as a victim of family politics and uses every hook and trick in the book to turn the political game in her favor and has failed time after time. This has made her increasingly miserable and bitter.

Her political stance is to tell us, her children, that we are too naive to understand the game that our relatives are playing on us. Anyway, she is so lost in her ever consuming animosity, she doesn't see day from night.

So in making my case to both my parents, I have no idea how to show that serving Nepal and doing what is in Nepal's greater good would help their interest and purpose for living. If you have any advice, I would appreciate it.

NayaJivan,

Yes, that is what I am saying. Sell your idea to them so that it seems like it would benefit them. (Funnily enough, it really does benefit them. they are just too blind to see it. Why does it benefit them? For the obvious reasons. )

Selling something to someone requires some steps. Btw, I am not a psychiatrist nor a salesman. I am an engineer by trade and a great literature fan. On the side, I am a writer. All advice here is my opinion only and should be used according to the circumstances. Life is a series of precise strokes. You can't take a 1 foot brush and just paint the walls like a painter would. To be an artist, using delicate precise strokes on the canvas is mandatory.

First of all, understanding the human psyche is important. So your father loves accumulating wealth. And as you have indicated, it looks like he has done so with some "ghush" etc. I will ignore the moral implications here. We all know what is right, what is wrong. But what does this mean then. That should be the question you need to ask. especially related to selling something to him?
Everything your father has been doing to accumulate wealth looks like it hurts Nepal in some way. What if the situation is so screwed up that your father thinks, hurting Nepal means a gain for me.

It looks quite likely in your father's linear brain, he probably thinks "If I hurt Nepal in some way, it means I gain something". HIs actions and words indicate this (according to your posts). So to sell something to him, if you mention "helping Nepal", venture to guess what kind of things run in his head (perhaps unknowingly). Yes. The thoughts will precisely be "If my son helps nepal, I probably am losing something". It oobviously is not true and quite moronic. But most ppl have very linear thought patterns. (I have observed this in my study of the human psyche in my daily encounters).

By you mentioning helping Nepal and nepali people, you are very much likely hurting your cause. I'd say, no need to mention that you want to help Nepal and Nepali people at all. You will be doing those things but mentioning this to convinve your parents most likely will backfire.

Let me know what you think about this. and we can proceed.
I don't know what you would say at this point. But knowing what not to say is half the work.

Guitar Daku,

If you want to understand my father, his personality comes very close to how BABAL Khate has written this story of Rajesh. Rajesh's personality and my father's is very similar:
http://sajha.com/sajha/html/index.cfm?threadid=90784

I think there are many people on the top, in Nepal, including my father, who feel that people like them at the top are priviledged to exploit Nepal. I think it is a source of pride for many people at the top that they are in positions to exploit and self-serve. If anything, they feel sorry for the rest of Nepal that doesn't have this priviledge. They know that if other Nepalese had this priviledge of this kind of position that these Nepalese would take advantage of the situation like they are.

And as much as I don't agree with this kind of thinking....in all honesty, I think he's right. I think that most of the Nepalese that are bitching about those who eat ghoos are those that are not in position. It seems that most Nepalese who are in those types of position and can get away with it, do it.

So from this perspective I do understand why my father feels that my attempt to help and serve Nepal is very foolish. He feels I am naive and don't have a clue how Nepal really works. And maybe he's right to some extent.

NayaJivan,

Times have changed a lot. What's true and right for the previous generation is not true and right for this generation.
Hypocrisy is rampant everywhere in the world. (What you were describing is hypocrisy essentially)
A lot of people will go the ghus route while there will be a small minority who will not go the ghus route.

It looks like your conversation with your father has taken a new face?

In its skeleton, now the argument is "Why do things for others when they themselves will not do those things for you, if they were in your situation?"

That's a hypothetical situation. It is also a rationalization. I have no answer to this as it is pure speculation. I don't know if the orphan you gave money to and became a healthcare IT guy in the US, will go back to Nepal to serve Nepali people. There is no guarantee for sure.

Personally, ending everything in the US and moving anywhere is quite a harsh decision. I am more of a gradual kinda guy myself.

I'd build my network from the US (which might take 6 months to a year depending on my diligence). Go to nepal to work for a couple of weeks or a month. And slowly learn the landscape and keep growing my work and my network. This is a slow process but there's no need for a fast track. What you are looking for is effectiveness and the right way to do things. Good things do take time.

 Do you really have to be in Nepal  to help? i don't think so.

You can donate money to several NGOs or INGOs in Nepal.  if you would like to do something on your own like open a new school for homeless kids or provide food to helpless old people etc, you can ask someone that you really trust and who is in Nepal to help you out.  You can travel back and forth after that to see how your organization is working. 


and I  believe you parents must  have struggled so much to reach in the position they are today, that might be a reason that they don't want to spend it on anything else. But as you said you make a good money and are well settled here, you can sponsor some kids in Nepal to go to School, help them out in every possible ways to make their lives better for that you don't need to be physically present in Nepal. 

Guitar Daku and Nyshangal,

Thank you for your level headed responses. I like what you are both saying. You are both looking at the issue from a solution oriented point of view.

I think my father's logic is this: In a country like Nepal where so many people are looking after their own interest at the expense of the country, isn't it arrogance (or even foolishness) for a few Nepalese to think they can work to make a difference?

You wrote "isn't it arrogance (or even foolishness) for a few Nepalese to think they can work to make a difference?"

I am not sure if it was a real question or a rhetorical one.
If your father said those words, there's one attitude that this question would come from.
Your father's attitude and thoughts are, "Son, you think you are so great that you can make a big difference in Nepal (and the world)?"
Interesting.

It reminds me of the time my father scoffed at me when I announced that I was going to learn to play guitar. I was in my teenage rebellion phase and his scoff annoyed me quite a lot. I learned to play the guitar in a couple of weeks. After I could play a couple of rock songs, my dad was mildly ok with it. He was not a very music oriented guy so I don't blame him that much.

Small changes do matter. Your work will definitely not be in vain if you are sincere.
so yes, the drop in the ocean might seem like a drop but has the potential to be a driving force for change. There is of course no guarantee. It depends on your own intentions, hard work, sincerity and some luck too (probably).

A question to you now:
Do you think Nepal is worth saving?

Guitar Daku,

I have appreciated reading your words. Keep em coming.

You asked me:
Do you think Nepal is worth saving?

I think that is the wrong question.
But if you had asked me this question:

Do you think Nepal is worth serving?

I would say: Yes, definitely yes!

Guitar Daku,

I feel that the greatest challenge for the New Servers of Nepal (NSNs) will come from the old guard: the old Gaun Mukhyas. The old guard has been enjoying the power structure of the status quo for a while and will resist any kind of change.

I'm am repeating some words that I used in a different post that applies here also:

The Gaun Mukhya enjoys being the top dog in the village. The Gaun Mukhya enjoys all the chakadi that he receives with people coming to his angan rubbing their palms in supplication. The Gaun Mukhya enjoys smoking his tamakhu slowly, pulling the smoke into his cheeks, nodding his head slowly and understandably. He loves being the thulo manchhe of the village.

The Gaun Mukhya will help the other villagers in Nepal. But he will never help them too much. Why? Because he will lose power. The Gaun Mukhya's power comes from people needing him. From them depending on him. From them fearing his gundas. From them daring not to vote for people in county elections that he says, should not be voted for. If the other poverty stricken villagers actually start to become independent, then what would happen to the Gaun Mukhya? His skills would no longer be relevant. He would no longer be in demand. No one would fear offending him. Then what would happen to the career of the Gaun Mukhya? What would happen to his clout?

But the Gaun Mukhya has children who have become educated in proper values (that would be, hopefully, be us). They understand democracy. They understand egalitarian values. They understand exploitation. And when they see how their father acts, they are torn. On one hand they want to be loyal to their father. But on the other hand, they know that their father's money is 'blood money.'

Credit is the currency of the Gaun Mukhya to bleed the world. All the poor come, doing chakadi to the Gaun Mukhya so he will extend their loans a little bit more. And the Gaun Mukhya gets to play the benevolent benefactor in public while bleeding all the poor villagers in private.

In Africa there are 'blood diamonds.'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_diamond

In Nepal, there is 'blood grains,' 'blood tourism,' 'blood farming' and 'blood banking.' There is blood everywhere.

But as much blood as there is in Nepal right now, it still is not Liberia:
http://www.vice.com/the-vice-guide-to-travel#ooid=s5ZGZpMjr8U64DfnrjQF0kLrO0J9cyVK

But we don't do our part in Nepal today, when we can....then it will be too late when it becomes like Liberia tomorrow. At that time, cursing it or crying will do nothing. So let us act today when we can.